I'm Going Back To The Start
by gleefulmia
Summary: Finn used to be her home, but she lost that. Rachel Berry doesn't have a home anymore. New York is just a place where she lives and goes to school, it's not a home, and Lima sure as hell isn't a home.


I'm Going Back To The Start

Hey everyone! As promised, here's the post 4x07 one shot I've been working on for the past few weeks. It's based off some spoilers and rumors that I've heard about upcoming episodes, so if you don't like to be spoiled, this story might not be for you, otherwise please enjoy. And as always, please read and review.

Oh and I'm also taking Christmas Drabble prompts if anyone is interested, just drop a message off in my tumblr inbox Thank you!

"_I know you used to be the guy that would make me feel like the most special girl in the whole world, and it doesn't feel that way anymore. Now it just feels…sad and confusing, and the worst part is that it doesn't even feel that bad anymore."_

Rachel wipes her eyes as she sits on the plane on the way home to New York, staring out the window, remembering her last words to Finn. The words echo over and over in her head, refusing to leave her alone. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine that this is how her relationship with Finn would end. If you had asked her a year ago where she would see herself now, she would have told you going to NYADA, living in New York City with the love of her life, Finn.

Her dreams used to consist of visions of what her and Finn's wedding would be like, what she would say to him in her Tony acceptance speech, how she would tell him she was pregnant with their first child. Finn used to be her home, but she lost that. Rachel Berry doesn't have a home anymore. New York is just a place where she lives and goes to school, it's not a home, and Lima sure as hell isn't a home. She doesn't know where she belongs anymore or who she is for that matter. For the first time in her life, Rachel feels completely lost.

X

Rachel and Kurt arrive back to their New York apartment that night, and the first thing Rachel does is remove anything she has that reminds her of Finn. Lucky for her, most of the clothing she wore around him is already packed away and in storage from when Kurt and Isabel had given her the makeover. She rips down all of their old pictures, the ones she, at least, still had up. She throws the stuffed animals he had won for her into a box and throws them into the back of her closet, buried underneath layers of blankets. The last thing she does is delete his number from her cell phone. If he wants no contact, fine. She guesses it's probably easier this way. Out of sight, out of mind…right?

Later that night as she's lying in bed, the tears stream from her eyes. She thought this would be easier, but she knows she was lying to herself when she said what she said to Finn. It still feels bad, it always will, and now she doesn't even have the hope that they are one day going to get back together.

Kurt hears her crying and immediately hugs her tightly, eventually falling asleep in her bed as they both cry themselves to sleep, morning their lost loves.

X

Thanksgiving comes around as it always does, but unlike most years, Rachel isn't spending it with her Dads. She and Kurt make the difficult decision to stay in New York and celebrate on their own. They both figure it will be easier for them, as well as Finn and Blaine, if they just stay away from Lima for the holiday. Her Dads were upset, but very understanding when she explained why she wouldn't be coming home and simply told her they would see her for her winter break.

The Thanksgiving preparations are going great, and Kurt even agrees to let her make a tofurkey. Everything's fine and dandy until a knock at the door interrupts their tranquility.

Kurt answers right away, not really sure who to expect. He lets out a scoff when he sees who is at the door. "Rachel, it's for you." He ignores Brody and lets Rachel deal with him.

Rachel gives him a confused look as she peaks around the door, and resists the urge to roll her eyes. "Brody, what are you doing here?" She hasn't spoken to him ever since the fiasco that happened at her dance class a few days back, when she saw that he was substituting for Cassandra. She basically ripped him a new one about sleeping with her new sworn enemy, and vowed not to speak to him again.

He holds up a bouquet of roses, and as beautiful as they are, Rachel can't help but think that he doesn't even know her favourite flowers. Finn did, and sometimes he would just show up at completely random times holding a bouquet of orchids. She shakes her head to rid herself of all thoughts related to her ex. She won't go there, not anymore.

"These are for you, Rachel." Brody hands them to her. "I wanted to apologize for everything that went down with me, you and Cassie."

Rachel looks at the flowers in her hands and she has to admit that it's a sweet gesture. "Fine, come in."

Kurt takes the flowers from her and leaves the two alone, saying that he will find a vase and get them in some water.

"Why are you here?" Rachel asks, because she still doesn't really understand.

Brody frowns at her attitude. "Like I said, I wanted to apologize. What happened was a huge misunderstanding."

Now Rachel really has to roll her eyes. "A misunderstanding? You mean you didn't mean to sleep with my dance teacher and lie to me about it?"

"Well I'm not going to lie again and say it didn't happen, because you know it did, but you don't know the circumstances." Brody says.

"Explain then." She orders.

"Cassie made me do it." Is the first thing that comes out of his mouth and it causes Rachel to let out a humorless laugh.

"Are you kidding me right now?" She asks. "That's your excuse?"

Brody nods. "No really, it's the god's honest truth, I swear. We were hanging out that night, practicing a routine for the Winter Showcase and we had a couple drinks. I thought it was just soda, honestly, but it turns out she drugged mine."

"You expect me to believe this?" Rachel asks. "Why would she do that?"

"Did you ever think that Cassie's majorly jealous of you and your potential? Whenever she looks at you she sees what she never had. She did what she did to me to get back at you because she knew how awful it would make you feel." Brody says.

Rachel thinks it over and searches his eyes, and as far as she can tell, he's telling the truth. The major problem with Brody is that his eyes are nowhere near as expressive as Finn's. She used to be able to tell exactly what Finn was thinking when she looked into his eyes. She could always tell when he was lying.

"Please forgive me, at least lets be friends again?" Brody pleads.

Rachel sighs and reluctantly gives in, though she's still on edge. "Ok. I forgive you, but you're walking on very thin ice Mr. Weston." She says, her tone lightening a smidge.

Brody smiles and breathes a sigh of relief. "Thanks Rach."

Rachel freezes and visibly stiffens at the nickname. "Please don't call me that."

Brody looks at her in confusion. "Why not? S'just a nickname."

Rachel nods. "I know, but Finn is the only one who has ever called me that and I want it to stay that way."

Brody swallows and nods. "Ok. So what are you and Kurt up to?" He looks into the kitchen and sees Kurt slaving away at the stove.

"Making Thanksgiving Dinner, would you like to maybe join us?" She asks hesitantly.

Brody's grin widens and he nods. "I'd love to." And just like that their duo becomes a trio.

X

The weeks pass and slowly but surely, Christmas approaches. The streets of New York are even more crowded than usual with people trying to get their Christmas shopping done. The city comes alive even more and Rachel loves it. But as much as she loves it, she still refuses to think of the city as her home, because as she discovered last year, her home isn't a place, it's someone, it's Finn, and Finn isn't here anymore. She hasn't spoken to him in weeks, just like he said, they have no contact.

She thinks it's getting easier. She doesn't think about him all the time. He doesn't constantly consume her thoughts. That's a step in the right direction as far as she's concerned. Maybe she can do it…get over him that is, as much as one can get over the love of their life.

Hanging out with Brody has been making the pain of losing Finn easier to bear. Sure, they're nothing more than friends, but he's still there. The more she thinks about it, the more she realizes she might be ready to take the next step with him. He's not Finn and never will be, but maybe that's what she needs right now?

"Rae are you listening?" Brody nudges her, using the nickname he came up with for her. She would never tell him this, but she's not a big fan. It just doesn't have the same ring to it as 'Rach' does.

"What?" She asks.

"Did you not hear what Professor Tibideaux just said?" Brody asks. "You were just one of the people selected to perform at the Winter Showcase this year."

Rachel's eyes widen in shock as she stares at her friend. "What? Are you serious?"

Brody grins and nods. "Pretty amazing, isn't it? It's incredibly rare to have a freshman perform at the Showcase, this is huge."

Rachel nods emphatically as she takes everything in. She's getting the chance to perform in New York. She's one of only a handful of freshman who has ever gotten to perform at NYADA's showcase. This is something she has been waiting for her entire life. She's been recognized for her talent.

"Oh my god!" She finally leaps out of her seat and into Brody's arms. He manages to catch her and hold her tightly.

She pulls away with tears in her eyes, and without even thinking, places her lips on his. And just like that things change.

X

The showcase is the day before the school lets out for Winter Break. The show's amazing. Brody performs the dance he choreographed with Cassie, with another upperclass girl. Rachel thinks she should feel jealous, given that she and Brody have been dating for a week and a half, and the dance is pretty intimate, but she just isn't. If this was Finn, and this had been high school, she would have been filled with rage at seeing another girl all over her man. But she isn't, she honestly doesn't care much. Maybe this means she's growing up? She ignores the part of her saying that it's because Brody isn't Finn. She can't think that way anymore.

Finally it's Rachel's solo. After a brief hug from Kurt, and a "good-luck" kiss from Brody, Rachel takes the stage.

Looking out into the crowd of people, she allows herself, just for one second, to imagine Finn in the front row, center, just where he always said he'd be. She smiles sadly when she remembers that that isn't the case, and it never will be. Now she has other people in her life to support her, and she needs to perform for them.

_Memories,  
Like the corners of my mind  
Misty water-colored memories  
Of the way we were  
Scattered pictures,  
Of the smiles we left behind  
Smiles we gave to one another  
For the way we were  
Can it be that it was all so simple then?__  
Or has time re-written every line?__  
If we had the chance to do it all again  
Tell me, would we? could we?_

She makes it halfway through Barbra Streisand's, Way We Were, before she feels the tears come to her eyes. This song has always been one of her favourites, but now it has so much more meaning to her, and the emotions just course through her in waves.

_Memories, may be beautiful and yet  
What's too painful to remember  
We simply choose to forget  
So it's the laughter  
We will remember  
Whenever we remember...  
The way we were...  
The way we were..._

The song comes to an end and the audience erupts into a fit of applause, leaving Rachel feeling breathless. She smiles, curtsies politely, and takes her seat between Kurt and Brody. Kurt leans over to her and squeezes her hand.

"That was amazing, Rach, your best performance to date." He smiles at her assuringly and hands her a tissue. He understands her. He knows how much that performance took out of her, how much that song means to her. She leans her head on his shoulder, not noticing the looks that Brody is sending her.

The Showcase comes to an end, and before they know it, it's time to pronounce the winner.

Carmen Tibideaux approaches the podium and smiles at all of her students. "In all my years of teaching and guiding students at the this school, I have never seen so much talent and passion in my students. The winner of this year's show is one who, less than a year ago, I saw very nearly ruin her audition. She didn't give up, and now I feel she is quickly becoming an asset to this institution. The winner of the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts' Winter Showcase is Rachel Berry."

"You won." Brody says as he stands up, pulling Rachel up with him and giving her a huge hug. Rachel tries to take it all in, but it's nearly impossible. She was grateful enough to be given the chance to perform, now she's won the entire competition?

"Get up there Princess." Kurt says as he hugs her tightly. He leans over and whispers into her ear "make me proud, make Finn proud." Rachel nods, and pulls away, with a beaming smile on her face.

"I will Kurt." She takes the stage, takes her trophy from Carmen and gives the woman a handshake, shaking the entire time.

"Thank you so much for this honor." Rachel begins. "Thank you for giving me the chance, for making one of my dreams come true. Thank you for noticing my talent. To my friends, Kurt and Brody, thank you for your support through these past few weeks of preparation. To my Dads, thank you for supporting me my entire life, and to someone special, that song was for you."

She doesn't even think of what Brody must be thinking as they go out celebrating that night. She doesn't notice the jealousy on his face, the way he holds her just _that _much closer, or kisses her _that _much longer as they say goodnight.

Just before he leaves her apartment for the night, he tells her she's a star. She smiles genuinely and thanks him. For some reason it doesn't have the effect on her that it had when she was with Finn. But she appreciates the gesture just the same.

That night, after she crawls into bed, she takes out her cellphone and for the first time in over a month, allows herself to look at a picture of Finn. The one lone picture she decided to keep of him. She runs her fingers over his smiling face and finds herself smiling for the first time in a long time when she thinks about him. Breaking his rule, she finds herself punching in the number she memorized years ago.

"Hello?" She hears his voice grumble, and she knows she must have woken him up.

"Finn." She says.

"Rachel, is that you?" He asks, and she hears him rustling, knowing he must be sitting up in bed. "Why are you calling me?"

"I won Finn." She cuts to the chase, not wanting to hear him state all the reasons she shouldn't be calling him.

"Won what?" He asks tiredly, but sounding interested at the same time.

"The Showcase, I know Kurt told you about it. I was chosen to perform, and I won." She says happily.

"That's great Rach." He says enthusiastically. She knows he means it, can tell it in his voice, and she can tell that he's smiling. "I'm so happy and proud of you. You're going to be a star, in fact you already are one in my books."

She smiles. "Thank you Finn, that means more to me than anything coming from you. I just had to tell you for some reason. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"S'alright. I was just getting to sleep anyways. Burt worked me hard at the tire shop today." He says with a yawn.

She frowns slightly. "H..how are things with you?" She asks timidly because she has an overwhelming need to know, but at the same time she knows it's really none of her business anymore.

"Ok I guess. Mr. Schue is back, so my stint as Glee Club director is over." He sighs. "I have to figure out what else I'm going to do now. I don't want to work at the tire shop forever. I was actually thinking of taking some college classes at the community college."

"That's great Finn. Sounds like you're starting to figure things out." She smiles, because she really is so proud of him. She knows how hard he's been working. They may have stopped all contact, but she hears things from Kurt.

"Are you coming home for Christmas?" Finn asks suddenly.

"No, my Dads are taking me on a cruise for 2 weeks, and then I'm celebrating the New Year with them in New York, I'm going to see the ball drop.

"Oh well I hope you have fun." He says hurriedly. "Look Rachel, I gotta go. Tell Kurt I said hi. Take care." And with that he hangs up.

She can't help but wonder if calling him was the right thing to do.

X

She leaves New York during Winter Break to go on a cruise with her fathers. It's not exactly what she had been planning to do with her time off, but it gives her time away from it all to really reflect on the past few months. She shuts her phone off for the entire trip, not taking any calls or text messages.

She comes to one conclusion on the trip, she needs to be herself again. This new version of her was fun for a while, but deep down she knows it's not really who she is. Looking into the bottom of her suitcase, she spots her favourite polka dotted dress and slips it on. She smiles because for the first time in forever, she feels like herself again. For the first time in a long time, she sees Rachel Berry looking back at her.

X

Getting back to New York after Winter Break, she immediately spots Kurt waiting for her at Grand Central Station. He waves enthusiastically at her and she immediately runs over and throws her arms around his neck.

"Hi there." Kurt says with a laugh. "You seem happy."

Rachel pulls away and nods. "I am Kurt, I feel like myself again."

Kurt's really the only one who could possibly understand what she's talking about, so he just gives her an encouraging grin, takes one of her bags and links his arm with hers.

"That's good to hear Diva." He whispers into her ear. "You're style has not changed back though."

Rachel looks down at her clothes and shrugs. "Just because I want to be my old self again, doesn't mean I have to change everything. I can still look fabulous." She giggles.

"Good for you." He says sincerely. He's happy she's finally managed to figure herself out, finally finding a way to mesh who she used to be in Lima with who she's become in New York.

They drop Rachel's things off at their apartment and decide to grab a coffee and take a walk to catch up on things.

"How was Christmas in Lima?" Rachel asks, purposely leaving the question open for Kurt. She doesn't ask what she really wants to.

Kurt launches into a story about how he didn't end up going to Lima, instead Burt came to the city and brought along Blaine. He and Blaine worked through a few of their problems, but they're still just friends.

Rachel smiles at him, genuinely happy for him. She knows better than anyone how torn up he was about his break-up with Blaine. He also senses what she really wants to know.

"He's doing well you know." Kurt says simply.

Rachel smiles gratefully and doesn't ask for any more details. Just knowing he's ok is good enough for her right now.

"Rachel." She hears a voice call out to her from behind. She feels Kurt stiffen next to her, but doesn't think much of it. She turns around and spots Brody standing by a street lamp, looking happy to see her.

She walks over to him and pulls him into a one armed hug. She knows it's not exactly the kind of hug you would expect a girlfriend to give her boyfriend, but she's not even really sure what she and Brody are anymore. She's not sure of her feelings. She just knows she doesn't love him.

"How was your trip?" He asks after giving her a very chaste kiss.

"It was great! It gave me a lot of time to think." She doesn't elaborate any further. For now he doesn't need to know her true thoughts, because she's not even sure she can make sense of them.

"You seem different." Brody notices her change in demeanor from who she was before she left to who she is right now.

"I feel like myself again." She shrugs. She resists the urge to say that it's 'not like he knows who that even is.'

He doesn't question anything as he joins her and Kurt on their walk. He just drapes his arm awkwardly around her shoulders.

X

"I don't think you're giving this guy a fair chance Kurt." Rachel says as she and Kurt walk around Central Park.

"I just don't know what to do, Rachel. Paul's a great guy, but then there's Blaine." He says.

She knows the feeling all too well of being caught in between two guys. She feels for him, she really does.

"Kurt, Blaine is in Lima right now and there's nothing that can be done about that. You've already agreed that a long distance relationship is too hard, and there's no guarantee he'll be in New York after graduation. Maybe it's time you start playing the field a little." She suggests.

"What like you have with Brody?" He counters.

She rolls her eyes and ignores his jab. She knows he's not exactly a big fan of her current boyfriend. But he's her ex-boyfriends brother, so that's to be expected.

"I'm just saying, there's nothing like love in New York City." Rachel says.

"Says the girl who almost married by brother after graduation." Kurt says.

She chooses to ignore him as she goes and takes a seat on the bench, her feet needing a rest from being stuck in those killer boots. She's not sure why she let Kurt convince her to wear them.

"How is Finn by the way?" She asks because she finally feels comfortable enough to mention his name around Kurt again.

Kurt sighs. "He's still in Lima for the time being."

Rachel nods. "What's keeping him there? I thought he'd be applying to schools or something by now. I know it's not your Dad's tire shop."

"Rachel, there's something you need to know." Kurt says suddenly. "Something I should have told you a while ago."

"Ok…" She says nervously. "Oh my god he's not dying is he?"

Kurt lets out a chuckle and shakes his head. "No, he's by no means sick."

"Then what is it?" She asks, getting a bad feeling about what's about to come out of her best friend's mouth.

"Rachel, Finn has a girlfriend."

And just like that, her whole world feels like it's crashing down all around her.

X

Rachel walks around the apartment clad in an old t-shirt she found of Finn's that she had somehow missed when she boxed up all her memories of him. She's been like this for days, ever since she found out Finn has a new girl in his life. She had verified it by checking his Facebook profile, and sure enough he is no longer listed as single. She knows she's being childish and stupid because she did agree to move on, and he certainly has the right to see other people, and she does have Brody, but at the same time, she still feels strangely possessive of her ex. Kurt says that while it's only natural to feel this way, it's also unhealthy, especially with Brody in her life.

Rachel sighs as she thinks of her boyfriend. She feels genuinely sorry for feeling the way she does, but she also realizes that her feelings for Brody just aren't what they should be. She cares for him, but if she is being honest with herself, she cares about Brody the way she cares about Kurt. As a friend, or even a brother.

For Rachel, there's simply no replacing Finn in her heart, and if there's one thing her relationship with Brody has taught her, it's that what she had with Finn was the real deal. He's her soulmate, her lover, her everything. She can't let him go just yet, she can't. If he's truly happy with this new girl, then she'll let him go for good, but in the meantime, she'll hold onto hope.

There is one thing she has to do though, and that is end things with Brody.

X

"I'm so sorry Brody, but we need to break-up." Rachel says as they eat dinner later that night in her apartment. "I've been hiding behind my feelings for too long now."

"But Rae, what we have is so good." Brody tries. And she really feels for him, she does, but she can't do this anymore.

"It's a great friendship." She says. "But I just don't think I feel the way you do about me. My feelings for you are strictly platonic."

"Don't do this, you're not thinking rationally right now because you found out Finn is in a relationship." Brody argues.

She shakes her head. "No, for the first time in a long time, I'm thinking clearly. I'm sorry Brody, you're a good guy and everything, but I am still in love with Finn, and I know now that I always will be."

Brody sighs defeatedly. "Ok." He says quietly. "I see how it is. I'm really sorry."

"No, don't apologize. This is my problem. I'm the one in love with a guy who is currently unattainable. And you're going to find a great girl that will feel the same way you do about her. I'm just not that girl." Rachel says. "I hope we can still be friends."

Brody thinks about it for a second and then nods. "Sure, friends it is."

She gives him one last hug and finally she feels free, almost like a weight has been lifted and she knows this is the beginning of something good.

X

"Rachel, you've got mail." Kurt shouts as he walks in the doorway of their apartment. "Ooh and so do I."

Rachel rolls her eyes, but laughs at his childlike expression. She opens the envelope and gasps when she sees it's an invitation to Mr. Schue's and Miss. Pillsbury's wedding.

"You can't seriously be that surprised." Kurt says upon noticing her reaction. "We knew they were getting married, heck we were there when he proposed to her."

Rachel nods. "I guess it just kind of slipped my mind, and I'm kind of surprised to be invited.

Now Kurt's looking at her like she's insane. "Why wouldn't you be? Mr. Schuester always made it perfectly obvious that he considered our Glee Club his family. He thinks of us as his own children."

"I know, it's just I know Mr. Schue knows about my situation with Finn." Rachel explains.

"Well I'm sure he took that into account Diva, but I also think he looked past that and realized that maybe enough time has passed that it wouldn't be as awkward anymore." Kurt says. "So are you going?" Kurt asks.

"You think I should? I mean, what if Finn doesn't want to see me?" She asks.

Kurt sighs. "I think that you can't let your break-up with Finn control your life anymore. If you want to go to Mr. Schue's wedding, I say you go."

Rachel thinks about it and then gives an affirmative nod. "Ok, I'll go."

Kurt smiles. "Good, but you're going to need to find a date. Blaine already asked me when he got his invitation."

"Are you two getting back together?" Rachel asks curiously.

Kurt shakes his head. "No, not right now and maybe not ever. I've got Paul and he's seeing someone else."

Rachel frowns. "I'm sorry Kurt, I know how much that hurts."

"It's ok, we've talked about it and realized that maybe being friends is what we need to be right now."

"So then why isn't he taking his new boyfriend as his date?" Rachel questions.

Kurt shrugs. "His boyfriends got other plans for that weekend."

Rachel nods. "Maybe I'll take Brody."

Kurt gives her a pointed look. "Do you think that's a good idea? You and Brody are barely even friends anymore, and if you're just going to use him to make Finn jealous… well I wish you wouldn't."

"I'm not, but Brody's pretty much the only other friend I've got right now, even if our friendship is lacking." Rachel reminds him. "And you're the one that said I needed to find a date."

Kurt rolls his eyes. "Fine, but make sure Mr. Weston knows this is nothing more than a friendship thing. The last thing you need him doing is something that will make things with Finn even more awkward than they already are."

Rachel nods. "Believe me, that's the last thing I want."

X

The wedding's on a cold Saturday in the middle of February. A thick layer of snow blankets the ground in Lima and the town actually looks really beautiful. The ceremony's held at a big, old church downtown and there's over 200 people in attendance, including all of the old and current New Direction's members.

Rachel glances around anxiously looking for people she knows. Upon spotting Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, she gives them all a smile and wave. Surprisingly, all three give her the same greeting. Rachel can't help thinking that things have definitely changed.

The music begins to play and soon enough she spots Finn walking Coach Beiste down the aisle. He doesn't see her just yet, but her breath catches when she spots him. He looks good. Better than good actually, he looks damn sexy. The past few months in Lima have been good to him. She chances a glance at Brody, who sits beside her, and notices he is glaring at Finn.

She shakes her head at him, urging him to let it go. She and Brody are nothing more than friends, despite what he seems to think.

Finally the bride makes her way down the aisle and as the guests stand, Finn's eyes happen to meet hers. He gives her the slightest of smiles and she manages to give him one in return. The fact that he is able to smile at her at all, after whatever they've been through, tells her that maybe things will be ok between them.

The ceremony's beautiful, Will and Emma's words are perfect. The guests file out of the church and Rachel swallows tightly when she notices Finn standing at the entrance to the church with a girl next to him. She's pretty with Auburn colored hair. Rachel also notices that she's a good 5 or 6 inches taller than she is. That must be Finn's new girlfriend.

Rachel sees Brody standing behind her, looking jealous, and rolls her eyes.

"Brody, let it go." She tells him.

He just turns and looks at her somewhat sadly, and she feels bad. "Why did you make me come here if we're not dating Rachel? Is it to rub your ex in my face? The guy who you said was the 'love of your life'.

Rachel sighs and drags him into a corner of the church. "I dragged you here because I needed a date and because you're my only friend in New York beside Kurt. My bringing you here doesn't mean were going to start dating again. I'm very sorry if I gave you the wrong impression." She apologizes, and sincerely means it.

Brody nods. "I get it." He says and she knows he's trying hard to understand.

"That's all I can ask for then." Rachel says and squeezes his arm gently.

"Rachel?" She hears a voice call from behind her and she immediately freezes. She takes a deep breath before turning around the face him.

"Hi Finn." She says quietly, almost whispering.

"You look great." He looks her up and down, almost appraising her. "I like that dress."

Rachel smiles in gratitude and thanks him.

Finn turns and notices Brody, and she doesn't fail to notice the way he visibly stiffens. "Hey Brody." He says politely.

Brody shakily smiles back at him in greeting, before the girl Rachel saw with Finn earlier walks over.

Finn turns and puts his arm around her. "Rachel, this is Amber. Amber, this is Rachel."

Amber gives Rachel a smile and she wonders if this girl knows anything about her past with Finn.

"So you're Rachel." Amber says. "It's so nice to finally meet you, Finn's told me a lot about you."

"He has?" She asks in shock.

Amber nods. "Yeah he told me you used to be the co-captain of the Glee Club, that you were one of the best singers he'd ever heard in his life and that you now attend NYADA in New York."

"Oh." Rachel nods. "That about sums it up."

"We'll have to talk more, you can tell me about Finn in high school." The girl says excitedly and it takes Rachel every ounce of strength not to bolt to the bathroom to vomit.

"S..sure." She agrees.

Finn stares at the two girls awkwardly before he takes Amber's hand, an action that nearly breaks Rachel's heart.

"Well we have to get going so I can take pictures with the rest of the wedding party." He explains. "It was great seeing you, Rachel, and maybe I'll catch you later?" He asks.

Rachel nods stiffly. "Yeah see you later."

With that Finn and Amber walk away to join the rest of the wedding party.

Rachel nearly considers calling the Airline to get a ticket on the first plane back to New York. Coming here was a big mistake. Thinking she could get Finn back was an even bigger one.

X

The reception's at the Lima Town Hall in a large banquet room, decorated to perfection at the hands of Miss. Pillsbury…urgh Mrs. Schuester. The wedding colors are white and purple, so literally everything has a purple accent of some sort. It's actually really beautiful.

The dinner goes smoothly, and just ignores Brody when she sees him flirting with a blonde waitress. She honestly doesn't care anymore, they are here as friends and nothing more. If he wants to flirt with that girl and try and rub it in her face, the way he is so obviously doing, he can go right ahead.

She just shakes her head at his childishness and finds the ladies' room.

Walking in, she almost runs right smack into Amber, Finn's date. She's just about to apologize when the girl gives her a glare.

"Um I'm sorry?" Rachel tries, because she really doesn't understand how this girl pulled a complete 180 in the last hour.

"Don't think I don't know who you are and why you're here." Amber says, just about backing Rachel into a corner. A few girls give them strange looks, but they don't say anything.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Rachel says.

The girl scoffs. "Are you kidding me? You don't think I did my research when Finn kept bringing up this Rachel girl who he knew back in high school?"

"Well we did." Rachel says because it's true.

"Oh lay off the innocent act, I know you used to date."

Rachel sighs. Fine if she wants to play it this way, then that's fine. "It's true, we did date in high school. In fact, we were engaged and we almost got married not once, but twice."

Amber's eyes widen into saucers and Rachel's trying her hardest not to look so smug. "Twice? What the hell happened then? Finn realize that you weren't as great as he originally thought?"

Now it's Rachel's turn to be angry. "How dare you. How dare you insinuate that you know anything about my relationship with Finn. He was…is the love of my life."

"So then what happened?" Amber asks again.

"Not that it's any of your business, but Finn sent me to New York to 'let me go' because he knew he wasn't ready to go there. I was prepared to stay in Lima for another year to help him get into a good school so we could be together, but he realized that that wouldn't do either of us any good, so he drove me to a train station on the day we were supposed to be married and the rest is history." Rachel lies because she doesn't really think what happened after that is anyone else's business.

"So he realized you weren't what he wanted after all." Amber says.

Rachel really wants to reach over and strangle the girl, but settles for keeping her hands clenched at her sides. "That wasn't it at all. He did what he did out of his love for me, and I could never repay him for that."

"So you still love him?"

Rachel's not going to lie this time. "Yes I still love him, and I always will."

"And you're trying to get him back, which is why you are here." Amber says unsteadily, like she knows that she doesn't really stand a fighting chance with Finn if Rachel is back.

Rachel surprises her by shaking her head. "I'm here because it's my former teacher and mentor's wedding and I was invited personally. I'm not here to get Finn back, if he is happy with you then that's great. All I've ever wanted is for him to be happy."

"So you're not here to get back together with him?"

"Not if he's truly happy, no." Rachel answers.

"Are you with that Brody guy?" Amber asks curiously.

"Does it look like I'm with him?" Rachel asks.

"Honestly, no. You've basically been ignoring him the entire time."

"Then there's your answer. Now can we go back to being civil and pretend this conversation never happened?" Rachel asks getting slightly annoyed.

Amber thinks it over before nodding hesitantly. "See you around."

X

By the time Rachel leaves the bathroom after mulling over her conversation with Amber, she's lost all track of Brody. Is it bad that she doesn't even really care? She spots Kurt sitting at their table with Blaine by his side and she can't help but smile at the two. At least things are going well for somebody.

"Hey, have you guys seen Brody?" Rachel asks as she approaches them.

Kurt nods. "I saw him head off with that waitress he was talking to earlier." He knows she doesn't honestly care much.

Rachel just sighs and rolls her eyes. "Remind me why I thought it was a good idea to bring him? We're barely even friends."

Kurt laughs. "Can't say I didn't warn you."

Rachel just ignores him and sits down. "This night is a disaster."

"Rachel Berry, ever the drama queen." Blaine jokes.

Rachel gives him a playful glare, but she knows she's being slightly over dramatic. Nothing really shocking has happened, besides her conversation with her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend.

"You know, Finn's been staring at you all night." Kurt says suddenly and Rachel whirls her head around at him in shock.

"No he hasn't." She blushes.

"He has. Every time he sees that I've caught him, he turns his eyes away and blushes…much like you're doing right now." Kurt smirks.

"Yeah well, that doesn't exactly mean anything. He's here with Amber, haven't you heard?" Rachel says sarcastically.

"She's kind of a bitch." Blaine says. "I got a bad impression from her the first time I met her. She acted all sweet and excited to meet 'one of Finn's friends' but I could tell right away that she's one of those girls who has no problem talking behind your back."

"She reminds me of Quinn a little, personality wise at least." Kurt shakes his head. "When will my brother learn?"

Rachel sighs, but really she wonders the same thing. If Finn keeps going back to those types of girls…maybe she's not his type after all?

"He's just being stupid." Kurt says, sensing what Rachel's thinking. "This is Finn reverting back to his old ways. He'll come around soon, Rachel, I promise."

"Speak of the devil." She hears Blaine mutter under his breath.

"Hey guys." Rachel sucks in her gut at his voice, her heart skipping a beat, just at the very thought of him being near.

"Hi Finn." Kurt greets. "Care to join us?"

Finn shakes his head, but then shocks her with his next words. "Actually, I came over here to see if maybe Rachel would want to dance?"

"W..what?" She stutters, because he can't be serious, not with his girlfriend on the other side of the room, who she's pretty sure hates her already.

"Dance with me." Finn says with a soft smiles, as if they haven't be not-speaking for months. "For old times sake."

Rachel looks to Kurt and Blaine, who both give her looks, urging her to go, because when is she going to get this opportunity again?

"O-k." Rachel says as she stands up and follows him to the dance floor. He gently takes her in his arms, just the way he used to and she hesitantly puts her arms around his neck. It should be awkward, yet somehow it feels like nothing has changed, even though everything has.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Rachel asks nervously. "What will Amber think?"

Finn shrugs. "I don't know, she's practically been ignoring me all night." He shakes his head. "Besides, we're not that serious anyways. If I want to dance with an old friend, then I'm going to."

"Not that serious? Haven't you guys been dating for a couple months?" Rachel asks.

Finn nods. "Doesn't mean anything. We don't really do anything besides go to the out movie and out for coffee. We're just hanging out really."

"Could have fooled me." Rachel mutters.

"What was that?" Finn asks staring down at her.

"I said you could've fooled me with the way she was talking to me earlier." Rachel says.

"When were you talking to Amber?"

Rachel hesitates, wondering if she should bring up their conversation. "I ran into her in the ladies room earlier and she had some things to say to me."

"Oh?" Finn questions. "What did she say to you?"

"She said she knew about us, knew that we dated but she didn't know we were engaged. She didn't say much of anything else, but I could tell that she really cares about you, either that or she just doesn't like me." Rachel says.

"Rach I…" He sees Amber glaring at the both of them and decides he needs to go somewhere so they can talk…in private. "Come on."

He catches her off-guard when he grabs her hand and leads her out of the hall.

"Finn, where are we going?" She asks as she follows him.

"We need to talk." He says.

He leads them to a small room at the back of the building. Rachel realizes this is the same room she used to get ready for her almost-first wedding to the same boy standing in front of her now.

"What's there to talk about?" She asks as he has her sit on step, sitting down next to her.

"Us, you and me." Finn says. "Where we are right now."

"Finn there is no us, there hasn't been for a long time." Rachel reminds him.

"You're wrong, there will always be an us." Finn tells her.

"I don't understand. What's going on?" She asks.

"Rach, you gotta know, Amber and I…we're really nothing more than friends. She likes to think we're something more and I haven't exactly stopped her from telling people we are, but the feelings just aren't there." Finn explains.

"You don't care for her?" Rachel asks.

"Not the way I care about you." Finn says honestly. "I don't think I'll ever care about anyone the way I care about you."

Rachel smiles for the first time in a while. "I'll never care about anyone the way I do you either."

"But Brody…" Finn says and his eyes darken at his name.

"Is nothing more than my friend. I broke up with him weeks ago because I realized that I didn't care for him as more than a friend. Actually we're barely even friends now." Rachel says.

"Then why'd you bring him? To make me jealous?" Finn asks, getting a little upset.

Rachel shakes her head. "No. I brought him because he's my only friend in New York besides Kurt and Kurt was coming to the wedding with Blaine and I really didn't want to come alone. Though I guess it wouldn't have mattered anyways seeing as how Brody basically disappeared."

Finn calms instantly, placing a comforting hand on her knee. "I'm sorry." He says, and she can tell by the look on his face that he's apologizing for months of pain.

Rachel smiles softly at him, feeling better than she has in a long time. "I'm sorry to. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for making you think I had feelings for Brody. I'm sorry I really had anything to do with him because right now he's proving to be a huge jerk."

Finn takes her hand now and squeezes it gently. "I'm sorry for not contacting you after I left the army. I'm sorry for the no-contact thing after we broke up. I'm sorry Amber's a bitch."

"I'm sorry we broke up." Rachel finishes for him, because she knows what he was going to say.

Finn laughs and nods. "I am too." He gently brushes a tendril of hair away from her face. "You're so beautiful you know. You always have been, even before you made all these changes to yourself."

"Finn I.."

"It's ok Rach, I get it, you were trying to fit in." He says. "I actually love your new style. I mean I love the old one to, but this one is hot."

Rachel giggles. "Thank you. And just so you know, I still have a few animal sweaters hanging in my closet. I didn't let Kurt destroy them all. I kept the ones I knew you would love the most."

"Really?" Finn asks.

Rachel nods. "I couldn't get rid of everything that reminded me of the old me. I had to have a reminder that the old Rachel is still alive and kicking."

"That's good to know." Finn laughs.

Suddenly something in the room shifts and Rachel thinks Finn might want to kiss her. He's just about to lean in when she jerks her head away.

"Finn we can't." Rachel says.

"But I thought we were connecting." Finn say in confusion.

Rachel nods. "We are, but you're still with Amber and I'm not going to be that girl again. Besides we still have a lot of things to work out if we're ever going to have another chance."

"You think we'll get one?" Finn asks.

Rachel smiles. "I know we'll get one."

"Ok." Finn agrees easily. "But I'm breaking things off with Amber right away. And when you go back to New York, you and I are going to call each other every day. We're going to Skype and work things out."

Rachel nods, liking this new confidence he has. "Sounds like a great plan to me."

"Come on, lets get back to the reception." Finn says, going to grab her hand but he reluctantly pulls away. "Maybe not the best idea just yet."

Rachel laughs. "Maybe not, we'll get there though."

And she knows now that they really will.

X

The next couple of months pass by quickly and before she knows it, her first year at NYADA is done. She and Finn call each other every night, talking about everything, working through their issues one by one and they feel closer than ever. They still aren't officially back together, but neither of them are seeing anyone. He broke things off with Amber right after the Schuester wedding. She barely even sees Brody, let alone talks to him. They're both in a good place right now.

"So how does it feel to be a sophomore in college?" Finn asks as they talk on the phone the night after her last final.

Rachel laughs. "I'm not really a sophomore yet, not until September."

"It still counts." Finn assures her.

"I'm so glad we're talking again." Rachel says randomly. "You have no idea how much I missed this."

"I missed it to babe." Finn says and Rachel's breath catches in her throat. He hasn't called her that since before they broke up. "Rach, you still there?"

She lets her breath out slowly. "I am. You just haven't called me that in awhile."

"I know." And he sounds so sad that she just wants to reach through the phone and hug him.

"Finn, what are we?" She questions.

"Well, we're two people who have been through a lot together, who have had to grow separately so they could grow together once again. We're two people with a deep history who love each other a lot." He says.

"You still love me?" She asks. She knows, of course, but she needs assurance.

"Rachel Berry, I love you more than anyone or anything in this world. Don't you know that by now?" He asks.

"I love you two…so much." She says and her heart swells because it feels so good to say it out loud again.

"Good to know." Finn says simply.

And just like that, a huge weight is lifted and she suddenly feels free, like she can do anything. It's the best feeling ever.

X

"Kurt, I don't know why you sounded so panicked on the phone. My boss at work thought you were dying when you called." Rachel says as she enters the apartment, still on the phone with her best friend.

"Just get in here, Berry." He says as soon as she enters.

"What's going on? Whose boxes are these?" Rachel asks in confusion. She remembers him mentioning Santana moving to New York, but she also remembers that Santana was trying to find her own place.

"Hey Rach."

And just like that, the world stops. She drops her purse and squeals in joy.

"Finn?"

"Don't you mean roomie?" He jokes right before she throws herself into his arms.

"Finn!" She shrieks as he spins her around and around the room. "You're here, you're really here?"

"Forever baby." He says as he sets her down and kisses her for the first time since last October. She's missed this, missed him and she can't believe he's here.

"But how?"

"Well you remember how I told you I was applying to schools for a teaching degree?" He asks.

She nods. "You said you were applying to OSU and that you got in."

Finn nods. "I did, but I neglected to tell you I also applied to NYU and got in."

"OH MY GOD! Baby, I'm so proud of you." Rachel screams as she throws her arms around him again.

"So is it ok if I move in with you guys?" Finn asks, because it's not like he and Rachel have been back together for long. She might not think living together is the best idea right now.

"Are you kidding me? If you go anywhere else, I will hunt you down and drag you back here kicking and screaming if I have to. I'm never letting you go again Finn Hudson." Rachel tells him seriously.

"Good because I don't plan on going anywhere either." Finn tells her and takes her in his arms again, kissing her forehead. "I'm finally home."

Rachel looks up at him, feeling complete and content. She and Finn have gone through their struggles separately, they've both grown and now they've come together. She knows the last year has been worth it all because it led to this moment. She looks up at him and gives him her biggest grin. "So am I."

Xx

The end.


End file.
